Every 3rd of April


It's my late father's birthday today.
Every 3rd of April.
I didn't think that I'd still cry over my father's passing.
To the new readers who didn't know me before,
my dad passed in August 2017, of cancer.
We had a rough time battling cancer.
It was almost traumatizing for me to have gone through it.
Pfft, funny how I felt traumatized, not like I was the one who went through it.
I was the decision maker for almost everything.
Which hospital to go to, what treatment to do, where he should live in afterhome.
It was tough, it still gives me a "tingling" moment whenever I think about it.
I guess I held up quite well, been through some really shitty phase.
I didn't realize that I had mentally broken down even when I seemed fine.
I'll always be thankful for people who supported me through the fight.
Forever will be thankful for my mother, family, friends and my ex partner's mother.
Still remember that Jane brought me to Thailand for Imagine Dragons after that.
How Ash brought me herbal leaves and we had a fight, LOL.
I remember I watched the movie Coco and cried like shit, 
even Star Wars when someone lost their father.
I thought the grief stopped cuz I don't really cry anymore.
I do shed tears whenever I go to see him at the memorial park, Christmas season cuz
Christmas is like my dad's thing, his death anniversary but 
I don't recall any breakdowns, I was just numbly sad on certain days.




2 in the morning today, I cried so bad and it was so sudden.
Then, I posted a picture of my father and me, still mourning, wishing and remembering him.
10mins later, I took it down, thinking that my mum would see it the next day and got all sad.
I thought I was gonna just cry myself to sleep.
Boyfriend was really patient with me, it was really comforting.
We talked for an hour.
I told him that I wish he met my father.
I told him that I wish he went through it with me, so he would understand truly.
I told him about my regrets.
The things I did and the things I didn't do throughout the whole cancer fight.
It's not like I never told him before, I was just repeating it.
I almost wanted someone to take away part of my pain and share it with me.
Maybe that's what I'm doing, writing this.
Sounds selfish, I don't know.




We are being quarantined at home for more than 2 weeks now and it's unbearable.
I just kept thinking what did my dad do during the 10-month long cancer battle.
He had NOTHING to do.
He COULDN'T do anything.
It's hospital, or not, home.
All I saw him play was candy crush.
Can you play candy crush everyday during quarantine, for 28days?
We can work out, we can cook, we can eat, we can walk, we can do so many things.
My dad couldn't even eat.
What was he doing? Was it torturous being alive?



It never hits you if you never experience it yourself.
Before my dad had cancer, I hear about people getting cancer, I think "owh, that's bad" but
really, I don't get how bad it is, in fact, I don't even think it's bad cuz I don't know how it feels.
My dad worked a lot, the last few years, he worked away.
Whenever he came home, we all made time for him.
We all did, everyone in the family did.
I would eat with him, sit with him, watch football and drink with him.
People might think that if you're not close to your dad/your mum, 
you won't feel much, it is not true.
"Blood is thicker than blood" is true.
It's like we've imprinted on our parents.
The bond is real, family bond is real.
If you have that, cherish that, improve the relationship, keep them.



Cancer is cruel but such evil does exist in this world.
Sickness is so mean, cancer or virus, they are so mean.
It reminds us what it's like being human.
We're invincible, not invincible.
We are never reaching a balance, nor a balancing point.
All we can do is we all try to do better ourselves.
Humanity will be more wonderful.



There is no point mourning or grieving over a person who doesn't exist in this world anymore.
I meant, he's really just not here anymore.
He can't eat the cake if I were to get one now.
He can't hear what I want to say anymore.
I can't do anything to get to him.
All that praying, prayers, they are just unproven beliefs to get to him.
He vanished.


Well, I still do hope this writing gets you, daddy.


I'm so emotional today. I had curry chicken for dinner, I felt like crying.
I saved some for supper.
My dad loved curry chicken.
He used to come home with Delifrance French Loaf whenever my mum cooked curry chicken.



Before this day is over, before 12am...
Happy birthday, papa.
You're dearly loved, missed and remembered.

Always your youngest daughter.



3 comments:

  1. Stay strong daphne! 😢💪🏾

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  2. Hugssss!!! Your post just made me shed a tears! I can still remember the Whitney Houston song dearly. Your dad is in a better place now and #youarealwayshisproudlittledaughter ! ♥️

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  3. Today was the day my mum passed away two years ago, even if times flies i still cant help thinking about her." It never hits you if you never experience it yourself." It's so true. Take your time to greive ❤️❤️daphne your words are healing

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