Self-blaming is unproductive




I think blogging died because...
people refuse to go deep(deeper) nowadays.
Captions and words have become surface-y, getting perceived as shallow and superficial.
The thing is that we learn to protect ourselves better as we grow.
Going deep exposes oneself, it can be seen as vulnerability.
Vulnerability leads to being an easy target for attacks online/in real life.
People know so much about you through the internet that
they can bring you down without even knowing you personally.

This is the scary thing for me.
I quitted blogging because I think it was unnecessary for me to expose myself this much anymore.
I was very passionate about sharing deep(er) stuff when I first got started.
Shit happened, I haven't been feeling passionate about anything ever since
my father got sick, then he passed, my previous relationship failed...
I was stagnant, I was sluggish, I've never felt accomplished with where I am today.


When my father was fighting cancer for a year, I was doing things numbly.
I just got things done, like he needed a scan, I brought him to do a scan.
He needed to do radiotherapy, I brought him to do radiotherapy.
On weekends, I just wanted to stay out.
To talk about it now, it sounds more like excuse to me.
I wasn't strong enough for self-love.
It's funny to think that you need to be strong to love yourself.
I just did things that needed to be done, I lost my drive.
Everything went downhill.
I was alcoholic for solid 5 months.
I feel shameful to admit that I was alcoholic because..
excessive drinking is sorta socially acceptable for men but not for women.
I meant, you can tell me to not feel ashamed because GIRL POWER, FEMINISM, girl.
There's nothing wrong with drinking.
However, excessive drinking is generally bad, men or women, it's the same.
I was outgoing in that 5 months, the good thing is that I got to know more people
because I was out all the time, socializing, enjoying other people's company.
I didn't want to be alone because I couldn't cope with the depression I was feeling.
The people who got to know me at that time perceived me as a loud, wild, playful,
fun, outgoing young girl who's a heavy drinker -lol.
First impression is so important.
Even when I wasn't like this before and I'm now back to normal.
The people I know in that 5 months still think that being fun and outgoing is the real me and
that the normal me now is not who I am but who I've changed to be.
Yet the truth is the normal me is rather domestic,
then I changed to be outgoing for a bit, then now I'm back to normal.


Some people tell me that "daph, you've changed, you don't come out anymore".
Me "I did not change, I'm just back to normal".
People tend to like the fun and crazy side of me but sadly that wasn't me.
I meant I like a fun time sometimes but not every week.
I feel pressured for not going out and reaching the "fun meter" that people expect me to reach.
It's ok, it's really ok, same old same old, just be yourself.
It's ok to disappoint people than to do things that you no longer enjoy doing.



Here comes the point of this blog post :
Learn to forgive yourself
I dwell in the past, I always do.
I couldn't let go, I still have a problem letting go of things and mistakes now but
learn, try to forgive yourself.
I'm very harsh on myself.
People might think I'm easy going and all but nobody is harsher on me than I'm harsher on myself.
I think 2017 and 2018 were bad years for me because I blame myself a lot.
I couldn't get over what I did, what I didn't do, what people think about me++

I blamed myself for having fun on weekends without spending enough time with my late father.
We basically just fought with cancer on weekdays.
I lost him, I lost drive to do anything, like everything seemed small and meaningless.
I blamed myself for drinking.
I blamed myself for not excelling in my career that seems non-existent lol.
I blamed myself for not being successful enough.
I blamed myself for being depressed.
I blamed myself for losing my drive.
Self-blaming is so toxic, I shredded my low self-confidence into nothing.
Whatever shit/untrue shit people say about me, I just went "well, they're not entirely wrong", lol.
I lost the drive, the urge, the impulse to even fight for myself.
I guess it's also good cuz we shouldn't care too much about what people say about us.
It's hard, it's hard to find myself again.
I still have not been able to truly forgive myself.
Self-reflection is crucial, I think I do too much of it, lol.
Self-blame is too much, it's unnecessary and unproductive.
As to how you forgive yourself, I can't advice cuz I clearly haven't mastered it yet, lo.
I guess take it from me, excessive drinking doesn't help.
It just gives you a bad image, lol.
I think excessive working is more useful, haha.
Imagine I used that 5 months to work, I would be at my pinnacle now.


Convince yourself to forgive yourself.
Tell yourself that it's the past, there's no way to undo the past.
Super cliche and general, it's common sense.
Sometimes, we get so blinded that we lose our common sense.
If you're caught in repeating the same "mistake" or same experience 
(like I did, hence the self blaming x1000000),
TRY HARDER because self-blaming is unproductive.



Moving forward, guys and girls.





7 comments:

  1. so heartfelt and genuine <3 really feel for you

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  2. Love you still xx stay happy

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  3. i love these genuine blog posts. thanks for sharing!

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  4. Thanks for sharing your feelings with us. Am really glad you are back here. Proud of you coming this far, you've done well daph.

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  5. Great sharing! Thanks❤️

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  6. I have been waiting for you to update your blog, finally you are here TT Thanks for sharing!

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  7. This post totally so related to my life also. Been in the situation same as you. But you had done so well. At least, you manage to go so deep and motivate others. Well done Daphne! I guess time tells on when we only able to forgive ourself.

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