Almost 6 months since you passed

It has been almost six months since my father passed.
It feels recent but it also feels like forever.
A huge part of me has changed.

So many friends are telling me that they don't see me outside anymore.
Some of them complained that I do not make an effort to go out.
I still try though but I usually just don't like to go out anymore.
I can't even let it out with alcohol.
You know how people get drunk to forget things or numb themselves temporarily?
I used to do that with alcohol.
(but I still wanna emphasize that I always know my limit and I never get too wasted, lol)
When I had my heart broken/ When I was stressed out,
I "drink drank drunk" every weekend.
I used to go to the club, hoping to find temporary happiness, companionship. 
I was the one who would make plans at 11pm.

I don't know if it's just quarter life crisis and what adulthood is doing to me
or it's just 2017, the shittiest year, has changed me.
They call me the cinderella now because my curfew is 5pm.
What I like to do now is go home before jam hour.
Go back to my mother and nephew or go back to my boyfriend and his family.
I like to be home, it makes me feel comfortable.

I don't know when will I have mood swing or a downpour of emotions.
I just do nowadays.
We went to Bangkok for New Year celebration.
I was very happy, I had a little alcohol, then I started raging hahaha.
Raging for nothing, I still can't understand what snapped inside of me.
After that rage, tears started streaming down.
I thought nobody was gonna see it because we were in the club.
So, I teared for about 5mins, ahahahahaha.
Then, my friend noticed it and he was so worried.
I said, "It's ok, I just miss my dad." 
My boyfriend wrapped his arm around my shoulder and
told them to give me 5 minutes that I'd be fine then.
There's literally nothing they can do, nothing I can do until more time passes by.
Another friend said to me "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what to say."
I feel like that's the best and the most comforting thing to hear.
To be honest, I hear things like
"He's in a better place"
"He's in no pain"
How do you know?
How do you know that he's in a better place?
You haven't been.
How do you know that he's in no pain?
You can't see, you can't hear, you don't know. 
I don't know where my father is.
All and all, I know everyone meant well with these words.
All I will say now to people who lose their loved ones is
I'm sorry.
Just sorry.

 Some say I'm too stubborn that I should let go.
Well and again, I don't know where my father is.

Christmas eve, my mother was crying all day.
Christmas day, she was crying.
Today I came home after Bali, she was crying
because we were talking about Chinese New Year,
she was saying it has been almost 6 months, dad's not here.

I was so busy today.
I think I had one of the most efficient days.
I always stop and have moments like these at the busiest time
to think about what really matters in life.
I wish I made more money when he was alive.
We could've created more memories together.
So I could keep them forever.

Quoting John Green
"Life is not a wish granting factory."

He didn't come in to my dreams until months later.
 He was a landscaper, he loved his job, I think, I never really asked.
I dreamt of him sitting down with my mother at the front porch in our old house.
We had a garden because he loved plants and flowers.
I dreamt that he was reconstructing the whole garden
and there was a grand piano in the middle of the garden for me to play.
I woke up crying, knowing that I can never see him ever again.
I once saw a questionnaire, a question-
Would you rather have:
Five million dollar
To see a deceased person once more
To be invisible

 I picked five million in a heartbeat.
Second option was to be invisible, so I could do many things and
get a lot of money in dishonest ways.
I was thinking why would people give up five million dollar
to see a deceased one once more? 
I know why now because I hadn't lost a loved one.
If I could have a wish granted, I'd definitely choose to see him again or
let my mama see him again.

I should sleep, good night.


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