What does Christmas mean to you?

What does Christmas mean to you?
Pretty sure everyone has their Christmas memories.
Christians or not, it's a day of celebration, it's a public holiday.
It has become a day when friends come together and most of the time, they drink.
A lot of alcohol, a lot of partying, a lot of dressing up.
People exchange gifts and lovers go for Christmas dinner.
No idea why Christmas has become romantic but
I like how it is because it brings people together.

I'm raised a Roman Catholic, generations of Catholic in my family.
Baptized at full moon.
My sisters and I went through baptism at full moon.
To be frank, I didn't really have a choice.
It's more like a tradition than a religion to me.
I believe in goodness.
Whatever religion it is, as long as it teaches good values, it's good.
This doesn't mean I don't believe in God.
I do believe in my God.

My dad is going through a rough time now.
It's going to get rougher this following week, so rough I cannot imagine now.
I have so much rage in me, I keep asking God why, why God why?
I force myself to be so positive but sometimes, I'm dying inside.
I always preach acceptance.
Sometimes, I thought that I've accepted the fact but sometimes, it just doesn't seem so.
Everyday, it's a roller coaster ride.
Things get good and you think you're fine.
Next minute, things start crashing down at full speed.
That feeling is so deceiving, I often feel so cheated.

They wish me a merry Christmas.
There's nothing to be merry about and
here, I'm being ungrateful.
Why and how could Jesus die for us?
Can I do the same for my dad to end his suffering?

My sister and I went overboard with the Santa myth.
My nephew believes that Santa is the one who bought him presents.
My dad was and is the Santa.
My sisters and I used to get Christmas presents under the tree every Christmas when we were small.
As we got older, we picked our own gifts but dad still wrapped them up and placed under the tree.
We only got to unwrap on Christmas morning.
It's weird, we already knew what the present was but we had to wrap and unwrap.
It's a tradition, you see.
The last Christmas present I received was a white Blackberry when I was 19.

I miss how my granny was still alive.
My grandparents were faithful Catholic, like, super religious.
She cooked the best food ever, she cooked Nyonya food, Chinese food, Western food all so well.
I would receive huge red packets from my uncles.
We gathered every year for Christmas.
There was turkey with cranberry sauce, there was fruitcake, there was great food.
I miss it so much, I can't remember how young I was, like 10 years old?
My granny passed when I was 12.
I used to wear pretty white puffy dress to church with white stocking and white ballerinas.
 I remember my sister and I climbed the chin-up bars, very close to an old tree.
We were stung by fire ants, I cried so bad outside of the church.
There was this one year, I was probably 14.
I wore a green dress with red and yellow patterns, yes, like a Christmas tree. 
 There were a few years, my dad threw Christmas parties at home or at the clubhouse.
We had clowns doing balloons, food catering and all.
I remember my parents fought because the clown was too expensive to hire.
There were mostly adults anyway.
Now I think back, dayum, the adults were all drunk.
They are like my friends and me now, lol.
The Christmas parties were not for us kids, they were for the adults.
Yeh, the clown was pretty pointless, I was already 12.
Clown seemed scary than entertaining, lol.

Christmas was the best, it was the best.
Even better than Chinese New Year.

I celebrate with my family every year, as I grow up,
I want to have more fun with my friends and I also want to celebrate with my lover.
Never really celebrated Christmas with a lover.
No impression at all.

This year, I stayed home after Christmas eve dinner, Christmas dinner.
They told me it's ok to go out later at night but this is the least I could do.
To stay home, doing nothing, be comfortable, staying by my family's side.
This Christmas, I played with my nephew, watched tv with my parents.
Watched fireworks going off.
It was a silent night.

Blessed Christmas.
I'm thankful that we didn't have to spend Christmas in the hospital.
God wanted him to be at home.
I'll try again next year.
I want to spend it with my family, my lover and my friends.



  1. Tough situation builds strong people. Stay strong Daphne~

  2. Always like the way you expressed yourself. We as a reader may not know how tough you going through all this but hang in there. Great things take some times. So cheers! Looking forward to your next post🙂

  3. Sometimes by staying right by our family's side are always greater than hanging out late at night. You did the right thing, and keep it up with your positivity! May God bless you and your family.

  4. I have always loved the way you reflect on things & your own thoughts! Praying that your dad will recover speedily (and I believe that all things [good and bad things] happen for a reason / Romans 8:28! May the Lord give you and your family the strength to pull through!


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