Diary: The Self Sabotaging

Busy working as usual, sick since day one of Chinese New Year.
Stubborn, so stubborn, body seems to be shutting down today, so I left work.
Got home and watched the Academy Awards, man, loved it!
So many great movies I want to watch.
A friend brought me to the movie last week.
I last went for a movie 4-5months ago, monthsssss ago, can't even believe it myself, lol.
It felt awesome just going for a movie.
I watched Kingsman, fantastic movie.
MANNERS MAKETH MAN. Hell yeah. So cool.

Anyway, I always want to talk about this but I guess I only found the courage to, today.
 Why self sabotaging what self sabotaging?
Self imposed mental torture or even physically, I guess, like a self ruination, self destruction.
I'm not good at vocabularies, guess that's one of the reasons why I didn't blog this earlier.
Not sure if I can express it well.

You know sometimes people have something so good that they don't appreciate?
You know sometimes people don't even realize what great things they have.
They tend to give it all away? They tend to screw it up on purpose? 
This is random but I can't concentrate because The Last Song is showing on TV.
It's sad cause Ronnie's dad is dying.

He died.


I've been taking alcohol a lot lately.
I confess. Lol.
Hard to expect a tiny person like me who can drink huh.

I laughed at my sister who had pimples all over her back.
I was like haha I will never get pimples on my back.
Poof. Karma.
I had fever but I still drank a lot.
Plus you know what, I hardly get off days, so I tried to "fully utilize" them.
I'm having pimples all over my back now, super heaty body.
Wish I wasn't this "hot" but that gorgeous "hot".
I went back to work, I looked down and blood dripped.
I was like... shieeeet.
My nose bled pretty badly.

Then, I realized that I have to stop.
Well, at least for a while.

I sabotage myself.
I have many good things in life.
I know that so well, I know, I'm thankful for everyday.
I'm grateful for the people around me.
I always tell them so and I show my appreciation to them everyday.
I'm happy yet I still do stupid things, on purpose, things that are bad to myself.
There's this one thing that I'm still holding on, I can't seem to find a way to let it go.
I have so many good things in life but I lost that one thing I hold dearly.
That one thing. I lost it. I don't have it.
I should've tried harder, I shouldn't have given up.
I tend to disregard the good things for that one thing, pig-headed.
I don't know, still learning, still learning to appreciate.

I have a friend.
He met this girl, well brought up, well mannered, smart, pretty, kind.
They got together, they were happy.
I guess sometimes people feel that things are too good to be true.
Here comes the self sabotaging.
He thinks she's going to cheat on him.
He thinks that relationship starts off well and it will always go down hill.
He thinks she's going to leave him for other better men.
Temptations, temptations are all out there.
Girls want him, girls love him, he's a charmer.
There are many great girls out there, it's true but... no idea.
(Maybe he wanted someone better? I don't know but he screwed this up and regretted it.)
He cheated.
He thought she'd never find out, oh well..
I was like "all you had to do was to appreciate and cherish her, you prick", that simple.
I know, the insecurities kick in sometimes.
I know, the temptations out there are very very very attracting.
Things get complicated but things WERE simple, things are simple.
All he had to do was to appreciate her.
Well, you can't clap with one hand, BOTH of them should cherish each other.
Sometimes people don't see what's good JUST RIGHT in front of them.
People always overlook things.
He regrets it now but I guess it's too late?
I wish he had some balls to admit his fault and make things work.
At least, try? I don't know. He should...

When my friends tell me about their "morally wrong ideas".
I always tell them "don't sabotage yourself, don't do it", lol.
Really, just don't sabotage yourself, you have something good.
If you make up your mind and you really want to, do it, but do it the morally right way.

Now I feel dumb, I don't know if you guys understood what I'm trying to say here.

Saw this very interesting thing today.
A couple decided to commit suicide after going through a really hard time.
So they decided to jump off a building.
When they got to the top, they counted to 3 before jumping.
The woman jumped but the man stayed.
He watched her fall for 8 seconds then saw her pulled a parachute.
Who betrayed who?

Don't scroll.
Stop right there.
Think about your answer first, then continue reading.

What do I think?
I think the husband betrayed his wife.
I don't know, I hope I don't seem or sound sexist.
It's a female's nature, women would do everything for their men.
They would do everything for love.
Wisely or unwisely, they do shiet for their partner.
We give, we are giving, it's in our nature.

Wife would do anything, everything for husband.
She would jump with him, she would die with him.
That's why she jumped BUT
she got a backup plan - the parachute OR she knew best that her husband wouldn't jump.
Who knows you best? Your partner. Your partner should know you best.

For instance.
Wife knows husband cheats.
Wife knows husband lies.
 Wife knows best but she tries to take it in, stick with it.
Wife doesn't leave husband, stays with husband.
She knows best that he cheats but she goes through it with him anyway.
She has that hope.

If husband jumped with her, she wouldn't have pulled that parachute.
She would die with him.


Love is a strange thing, life is a strange thing.
Everyday you get inspired, everyday you learn something new.
  I don't know?
Don't sabotage yourself?
Pull that parachute or just don't jump.


  1. Daph, I know exactly what you're going through and thanks for reminding us to appreciate what we have. Although I'm sort of poisoned by your 'blank space' song which I'm so surprised you can actually hear me.

    Anyway, please do not 'fully utilise' your free time for alcohol.. Take great care


  2. Dear daph,as always on the dot.what people do have equally are their choices.it all comes down to that.I wish you everything the best in any kind forms,may you always bloomed into someone who you always wanted to be,if not,better,amen!


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